QAF Ficlet: Doubt

[peggin]

I was going through my old posts, putting tags on them (yup, that's me, right on the cutting edge of using the new features! :D ), and I came across that song lyrics meme that a bunch of us did last year. As I was looking at the drabbles and ficlets I wrote for it, I just really liked the way this one turned out, so I decided it deserved a title and a post of its own.

I wrote this for shape5, based on her song lyrics: "I touch the fire and it freezes me / I look into it and it's black."

Title: Doubt
Rating: PG
Summary: Justin's thoughts right before he walks out of the Rage party
Timeline: 220 Gap-filler
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys, and believe me, nobody is paying me for this!

Doubt

I used to be so sure. No matter what anyone told me... no matter what he said himself... I knew he loved me. I knew it.

I don't have that anymore.

Ever since I woke up in the hospital and discovered that he hadn't come to see me even once, I've had doubts. When four more weeks passed and he still never came, those doubts continued to grow.

He let me come and stay with him, he bought me a computer, he's paying for school, he even agreed to my stupid rules. But was that love or guilt?

At times I've acted like a child, testing him, wanting to know... would he care if I broke those rules? If I pushed him away, would he come back? Would he let me come back? And if he did, was it because he loved me... or because he simply didn't care?

Sometimes I'm almost convinced that he must love me. He wouldn't do so much for me if he didn't. But then he'll do something else, and I'm just as convinced that he couldn't act that way if he really cared.

I used to be so sure. Now I don't know anything.

Sometime I feel like the real Justin died that night, and I'm just a shell that's been left in his place.

All I know is that I can't keep doing this anymore. I'm so tired of guessing, of trying to figure him out. Being with Brian is terrifying. Being with Ethan is easy. It's not glamorous or exciting, and it doesn't make my heart beat faster like being with Brian has since the moment I first saw him, but it's comfortable. When I'm with Ethan, I feel safe.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but I can't keep playing these games any more. Even though it's my decision, I can still feel my heart breaking as I look at him across the dance floor one last time before leading Ethan out the door.

Comments

[tgray.livejournal.com]

*sobs*

Okay, how horrible is it that I loved this?

[peggin.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it!

And, hey, if it's horrible that you loved it, what does it say about me that I wrote it?

[scatterheart.livejournal.com]

Oh Justin! =((

I just talked to nairie about that episode, actually, and how it breaks our heart every time. :(

[peggin.livejournal.com]

I know, poor Justin is just so damaged and broken and Brian is in so much pain himself; each of them hurting too much to see how much the other is hurting. It just breaks my heart, but I just love it so much!

[tamalinn.livejournal.com]

yeah. i think you got justin's mindset so perfectly here.

[peggin.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_alicesprings/]

Wonderfully sad.

[peggin.livejournal.com]

Thank you!